Thursday, September 1, 2011

The moment when...

You know when you find yourself in a heavy situation and you want out? That grasping-at-straws, can't-keep-your-head-above-water type of feeling that hangs over you with its grimy, gloomy fingers?

Cue Monday evening where I found myself in a 3-hour Administrative Theory class (theory--whoo!), filled with self-doubt and many much feelings of inadequacy on the heels of thoughts like, "I swear I did the reading for this class...why am I struggling to understand what this professor is talking about??" When I got home, I should have just climbed into my cozy bed to shake off the day, but instead I decided to work on the reading for the next day's Environmental Policy and Sustainability class...

Thoughts: "Five articles...this can't be that bad...I did this all the time in undergrad."

And then began the trudging through subjects such as eco-terrorism, one's effect on the common-pool resources, policy about the environment based on different philosophies (boring just reading the description, eh?)...

Ice cream.

More reading.

Eyes drooping. Words blurring together. Almost crying.

And then that little niggling thought in the muck of all that was my brain activity: "It's not too late to throw in the towel on this whole silly grad school thing..."

Hitting a wall. Falling from grace. Squandering in a rut.

Don't worry, people, only 15 more weeks of school!

Then cue Tuesday evening as I booked it up to campus again, determined to keep on this grad school path but feeling less-than-confident (understatement alert!).

And as I was sitting in my Environmental Policy class, furiously taking notes and poring over the articles I've underlined and scribbled notes on, a little light bulb took its place above my head--metaphorically, of course--and intelligent thought entered my brain.

I took a deep breath, raised my hand, and made a comment in the class discussion.

My professor (who, as a side note, is also the chair of the entire MPA program) nodded encouragingly and spoke one beautiful word: "Exactly."

IT. FELT. GOOD.

I know it was just a tiny little incident, but it gave me the much-needed boost to keep on keepin' on here, folks. I feel like the Tin Man on the Wizard of Oz who keeps hollering for oil because he's so rusty. Six years is a long time to put between school endeavors, so getting back into the swing of things, finding a routine, working out a pattern...it's going to take some effort and time. Lots of good thoughts of affirmation. Some long walks of contemplation. Frozen yogurt just about daily. You're gonna make it, kid.

3 Comments:

Blogger Adrianne Miller said...

You are so organized and super smart. I know you will make it. Just don't write words like muTch or baptiszem. Boday either. hee haw!

September 1, 2011 at 7:42 AM

 
Blogger Erika said...

You can do it Annie!!!! I admire you for going for your master's, although I am not surprised!

September 1, 2011 at 10:50 AM

 
Blogger heidikins said...

Hang in there lady! You can do it!!

xox

September 1, 2011 at 12:06 PM

 

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