Things that must go: Dental edition

X-96 has a segment on their morning show called "Things The Must Go." As I was sitting there in the dentist chair yesterday (getting my occlusions--that's a fancy word for 'pre-cavities'--filled), I was thinking, "Man, this really sucks. It's got to go." Upon further pondering, I came up with my own list of things that must go, dental-style:

1) Having four hands in your mouth at once. I can't even fit one of my hands in there, but somehow, both the dentist and the assistant had their gloved hands and instruments prodding around in my mouth. I was lucky that for most of it, I couldn't feel much.

2) The high-pitched screeching the drill makes. And how about how you can feel it boring into your skull? Not feel it, but it certainly rattled in my entire brain and drowned out my iPod. Just thinking about hearing it makes me tense up and shudder a little.

3) Smelling your burnt nerve ends after they drill holes in your teeth. It's like when your hair or eyebrows get singed...that gross, burning flesh smell that you know can't mean anything good.

4) Shaking as you're laying there in chair, not knowing how to stop shaking. It's not that I'm scared of the dentist. I knew it wouldn't be a scream-inducing, fingers-clawing-into-the-chair-arms type of experience. But I didn't expect to be shaking. I kept telling myself to relax and be calm, but I felt my legs shake for a good two minutes before I could get control and settle down. Maybe I'm not as even-keeled as I had hoped.

5) Gagging on your own saliva because your ability to swallow is out the window. The assistant was usually pretty good at utilizing her little sucker device. And the dentist was equal to the task of getting out of the way every so often so she could perform her duties. But one time, she sprayed water straight down my throat, and it went down my windpipe. I was coughing so hard, but I couldn't sit up or anything. She said she was sorry, and I tried to say, "It's ok," but there was no way I could get words out in my numb state. Also, there was one time the dentist was wielding the sucker tool and pushed it back too far, resulting in my natural gag reflex getting tested.

6) Having that nagging feeling that you look like a chipmunk. I love it when you get out of the chair and they ask you how you feel...the only word I could come up with was "numb." I didn't get the laughing gas because I had to drive myself home, so naturally, I'm probably not feeling the best. And I feel like I look so puffy. The assistant assured me that you couldn't tell, so I went to the desk to pay (I have to pay for them to make me feel like this?!), and I was just hoping there wasn't drool running down my face.

...and then once you're out of the office and up and at 'em again:

7) Talking like a drunk with a lisp for hours afterward. Ask Rachel--she'll tell you how hilarious it was to hear me talk. I couldn't say 's' because my tongue was numb. And 'r' was difficult. 'P' was basically impossible since I wasn't able to feel when my top lip touched my bottom lip. Rachel was laughing so hard because I wouldn't just shut up and wait for the anesthesia to wear off. No, we decided to go grocery shopping. I made her talk to the cashier and ask questions on where to find a couple things. I felt so dumb, but I was glad that she was willing to listen to my ridiculous talking and help me out.

8) The PAIN when the anesthesia wears off. I tried to take some ibuprofen awhile before it went away because the dentist said that with as much work as he did, it was going to be sore for awhile. It's a good thing I did, because when the weird numb feeling was finally gone, it was replaced by a dull ache that turned into a sharp ache before I was able to get more drugs down. Waking up this morning was a treat.

9) When your teeth don't fit like they used to. I was laying there, trying to go to sleep last night, and I found it nearly impossible. I couldn't get my mouth to feel comfortable because my bite isn't the same. My teeth don't clamp shut the way they used to because of the filling gunk they put in there. I guess it's just like when you get a new chair at work and it's weird for the first little bit, but after awhile you get used to it and don't even remember what it was like to have the old one. I'll give it some time.

10) Not getting to eat normal foods for awhile. I was starving last night. I had half a muffin at Family Home Evening (that's where the numbness finally came to a merciful end), but when I got home, I was craving real food. We had some Mexican rice, so I heated that up and shoveled it in, the best I could. My mouth still ached too bad to open really wide--and actually still does right now. I am eating grapes (they're soft!) right now...and I can only imagine how funny it would be to someone watching me. I can only open my mouth about as wide as a grape it big, and I slide one between my teeth. Let's just say that chips and salsa aren't on the agenda anytime soon.