Monday, August 31, 2009

Write it out.

Ever heard the phrases shake it off or run it out? That's what I'm doing here, except that instead of actually putting any sort of physical exertion into this, I will type to my heart's content and sort out some of my frustration.

Lately I feel like I've taken two steps backward (two LARGE steps) and one step forward. I won't go into specifics, but I will say that the healing process has been kind of awesome yet exhausting. In some ways, I feel more confident than ever; I've worked through some serious struggles, and that has helped me figure out where my priorities are and who I want to ultimately be. On the flipside, though, I feel like a hurt animal, still licking wounds and trying to take it easy before getting back out there into the real world with real opportunities for being injured again. (Uh oh, here she goes, waxing all philosophic...)

I was pondering on my way to work this morning about the crutches I have in my life. I've noticed that I rely on certain things more than I realize, and when those things are swiftly removed, I crumble faster than a stale cookie. Take my eyesight, for instance (this is how my train of thought got started, as I was trying to read a sign and my double vision kicked in)...I wore gas permeable contacts for ten years because the eye doctor told me they were the only thing that would correct my astigmatism. What I didn't realize is that they were keeping my eyesight from progressing to anything worse than it already was because they hold your cornea in place (sure?). All I knew is that my eyes hated me because they were red and itchy all the time. So I thought I was doing myself a favor when I ditched the gas perms for something in a soft lens variety (now that technology has advanced). Now what Annie doesn't know is that this will ultimately screw up her vision entirely. I'm now in and out of opthamologists' offices, trying to figure out how to see clearly again. What I'm really trying to say is, I didn't realize that my original contact lenses were acting as a crutch.

As my thoughts were meandering down this path, I thought about other metaphorical crutches I've had in my life...things I can hide behind but can be a stumbling block. Facebook? My talents? Making excuses for why I don't make more out of myself? Relying on others' opinions too much? Because seriously, while I do count on all of these things, some could change at the drop of a hat, and BAM! Where does that leave me? A broken pile, pieces of what I've worked so hard to become these last few years. What I'd like to do is work on having more confidence in my thoughts and my own opinions and desires. No, really--I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, I like me. No more hiding behind people's expectations. No more acting goofy around guys I'm interested in. No more fretting about things I can't control. No more feeling helpless or alone. Crutches beware...


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